Jsmiddy

How do I love Blue Man Group? Let me count the ways!

2006-09-14T18:33:00.000-07:00

27. It’s 27 ways that I love Blue Man Group. I saw seven shows in Vegas: Penn and Teller, a pair of very amusing though inexplicably blasphemous magicians; Cirque du Soleil’s O, an impressive water-themed show that is apparently the best of the five Cirque du Soleil shows performed in Vegas – I was pleasantly surprised by it’s quality. The high diving was particularly impressive as were the high flying acrobatics. I saw political comedian Lewis Black; Hollywood B-list comedian Jon Lovitz; a rock concert with Eagles of Death Metal and Peaches – Eagles rocked me and Peaches shocked me; Phantom of the Opera – thanks for the tip Marcus – I guess everyone should see it once; but the best thing was Blue Man Group.

They are the guy’s in blue face paint who used to drum away on pipes in those old Intel Pentium adverts. Well, they do a nightly Vegas show and it is great. YOU MUST SEE IT!

It is like rock concert meets performance art. They do excellent percussive performances and are backed by a fifteen piece band with drums, guitars and keyboards. The humour is genuinely funny, never cringe-worthy, always cutting edge, yet also family-friendly.

I was in the front row and so had to wear a plastic poncho. Some folks next to me got splashed with paint, others got splashed with digested Twinkies and breakfast cereal. It was great.

I really can’t describe how great it was but I will try. It wasn’t a show – it was a multi-sensory experience.

I will try and post a photo up soon.

Find out more about Blue Man Group.

PS. Arrested Development fans will recall that Tobias tried to become a member of Blue Man Group.

Belated Vegas Vacation Story – I watched TV

2006-09-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here is a belated story from my Vegas vacation.

I went to an attraction in the MGM Grand Casino called Television City.

In Television City people were invited to preview television shows and give their feedback on the show they just watched. It was a CBS network initiative because there were posters for shows like Without a Trace, Ghost Whisperer and the fourteen CSI shows (okay, exaggeration). There were also signs for Nickelodeon and MTV networks. I don’t know if MGM and these networks are all owned by the same company. It would be interesting to know exactly where the commercial interests lie.

Anyway, I was hoping to score a pilot for some hot new comedy or perhaps an edgy drama. Or even some new Nickelodeon cartoon show like Spongebob Squarepants (of which I am a big fan).

I lined up with a bunch of other tourists (who all seemed to be Americans) and then went into this screening room. There was a large LCD TV at the front of the room. There were a bunch of computer monitors on desks with keyboards. There was also a little box with a dial on it and a cord attached to the computers.

Each person was asked to enter the details into the computer. We were told that the show we were seeing today was a pilot for a new reality show (AAAARRRGHHH!!!!) called Covershot. We would rate the show by turning the dial constantly for the duration of the show to indicate scores between 0 and 100. The control also had a ‘turn off’ button, indicating the point where we would switch channels if we really hated the show. After the show we would be required to answer pages of questions about specific aspects of the show – the talent, the premise, as well as our own viewing habits.

Well, Covershot was a pilot (first test episode) for a reality show where a person is given a makeover, then given a fancy photo shoot and then has their poster plastered on a billboard in a busy city street.

This episode was about a Hispanic woman with a husband and a son who was once really fat, but had recently lost half her weight. So she wasn’t looking too bad now, but she still felt a bit frumpy. So, some model comes to her house and tells her how she has been given this modelling opportunity.

She goes in and some gay stylist, a fashion designer help make her up and a photographer takes some shots of her to make her look and supposedly feel good. She shares her feelings about being unconfident in her appearance. Then she says that this process has really helped her feel good about herself. Anyway, at the end, she is shocked to see a billboard of herself in a busy city street.

When she summarises her experience she is really positive about it, suggesting that this has been really important for her and made her feel good about herself.

Well, I spent the whole time trying to give the show scores between 0 and 20.

Then I gave a very vitriolic response to all aspects of the show. I then gave what probably came across as some staunch feminist diatribe about how this show is basically telling women that the way to be fulfilled is to get a makeover.

It was a terrible moral and I hope the show is never picked up. I also said the last thing TV needs is another reality show because it takes money away from funding fresh new creative shows.

Well, I went in for a second show hoping to score something good this time. Sadly, I got another reality show. This one was called Life or Debt. It was another pilot for a new series.

In this one a guy helps people get out of debt. It had a better message, which was that over-spending is bad and that what really counts is family. So I gave this one scores between 0 and 40. But I still wrote that TV does not need more reality shows in my comments.

Well, as a fan of TV it was fun to be able to actually voice my opinion about unaired pilots for new shows. It was like that Simpsons episode where the makers of Itchy and Scratchy get the kids in Springfield to rate the show and Nelson turns Milhouse’s dial to 100 when the Speedo guy is on screen.

“One kid really likes the Speedo guy!”

Classic.

The Signs of Jesus has been YouTubed!

2006-09-05T21:43:00.000-07:00

Hello party people in the place to be.
Awesome news!
My film The Signs of Jesus is up on YouTube.
Watch it here then send your praises in my general direction.
Thanks again to all who made it possible.
Joseph

Seven votes off but best year ever

2006-09-03T16:59:00.000-07:00

So, The Signs of Jesus was the second most popular film at Ignite over the weekend in terms of people’s choice.

Over 30 of my friends plus my dad came to the screening of The Signs of Jesus on Friday night. A sincere thank you to all those who did. Most people agreed that my film got the biggest response of all the films shown that night.

It showed in the results of the voting too.

Despite my film not being short-listed for the final (which was mainly my own fault for not getting music copyright clearance, I accept that) it would have been shown on the Saturday had it won people’s choice. Well, it wasn’t shown because people’s choice went to a very funny mockumentary style take on Abraham sacrificing Isaac. This film scored 54 per cent of the popular vote on the Thursday night screening. That’s 54 per cent of about 90 people.

Signs got 50 per cent of the popular vote on the Friday night – that’s 50 per cent of about 140 people.

Apparently, Signs would have won the people’s choice award – of a digital projector – had another seven people voted for it on the night. So to any of my friends who didn’t come on Friday – a big kidney punch to you. I hope you can sleep at night knowing I still have to watch DVD’s on my 36cm LCD screen instead of ten feet by ten feet on a big wall.

So, it is a pity Signs wasn’t shown on the Saturday in the Town Hall. It would have been nice to see the collective work of my friends and I displayed in front of the large crowd.

However, knowing that it was one of the two most popular films is nice. Apparently the next closest got about 30 per cent of the vote.

Even though I was not part of an award-winning film this year, as I have been in the last two years, I believe this one was most successful in terms of connecting with people and finding mass approval.

So for that I am pleased.

Thanks again to all those who gave their time by helping make it and again to those who turned up on Friday to help it become so popular.

My next project will probably be something more secular, but I really have been motivated to put something together soon.

If you want to be involved, contact me.

Thanks for reading.

Sincerely,

J Norman Smith

Not a racist, not homophobic... maybe just a little immature

2006-08-31T22:29:00.000-07:00

Okay... extremely immature.
I'm like a 10-year-old sometimes... which is also why I don't get changed in public washrooms.

So, I apologise if people found The Amazing Race post offensive. I just thought it was a funny play on words.
And I apologise for the reply to the post about Russ sitting on my lap. I just wanted to quote David Brent.
Finally, I apologise for not having more deep insightful comment on my site.
I would try harder but I'm lazy.

Ignite tonight

2006-08-31T17:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight is Ignite.
Please come, because you will get to see The Signs of Jesus.
This is without a doubt the best Christian film since The Passion of the Christ.
Post here if you want me to get you a ticket.
Only eight dollars... very cheap.

The Amazing Race

2006-08-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

I noticed that The Amazing Race won ‘Best Reality Show/Competition’ at the Emmys the other night.

I watched The Amazing Race once, but it wasn’t what I expected, because after seeing the title, I thought it was going to be a show about white people.

Things to do on an RDO when you’re dead

2006-08-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I wasn’t actually dead while enjoying my RDO on Monday.

Clever title though, huh? (You’re awesome, Joseph, and so physically attractive too!)

But what I did do on my RDO was hang out with my good friend Raymond of One Ray Hill blog fame.

We saw the movie 2:37.

Whoa! Pretty heavy, confronting stuff. I’m not even gonna try and review it, ‘cos Ray can do that thrice as good as me.

But let me just say, it brings up some interesting points for discussion. It deals with stuff mainstream cinema rarely touches. It is really well shot in particular scenes and rivals anything from overseas in that regard. It has Gary Sweet. It is also one of the better Aussie movies I have seen,

However, at times it just feel like R-rated Home and Away. Also, a couple of aspects appear hackneyed, especially the arc of one of the charaters.

Should you see it?

If you have the stomach for some confronting independent cinema that deals with suicide, incest and homosexuality in fairly graphic ways then go for your life. Otherwise, I have heard that Curious George stars a cartoon monkey and so may be more up your alley.

By the way, I am not implying that there is no middle ground films between 2:37 and Curious George, I just wanted to make a monkey reference.

Also, RDO stands for rostered day off for you ignorant people who didn’t know that.

Plug myself

2006-08-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry.

This doesn’t mean that I’m going to finally shut up.

Rather, I want to commend to all you faithful J Smiddy blog readers that you attend the Ignite Film Festival preview screenings at the CMS building this Friday. It’s Level 5, number 51 Druitt St, Sydney city. Not far from the town hall. It starts at 7:30pm.

Try and come to the Saturday night awards night too. I’ll be there, but there will also be good things there too.

But I must stress that people come on the Friday night, because that is the only way you can vote for my film ‘Signs of Jesus’. I have had great help from folks like James Cogswell, Peter Mitchell, Ed Francis, Robert Mitchell, Russ Davies, David Mitchell, Frank Monzo, Matt Davies, Michelle Swainson, Rianna Pearson, Alex Mitchell and Traci Mitchell plus other folks who were obviously forgettable and only incidental in the production.

If you all attend ignite and vote for my film, I could win a digital projector. That means I get to watch cartoons at home on a big screen.

Don’t you want that for me? Don’t be selfish. Pay 15 bucks to attend the screening, vote for me, even if my film sucks and collectively bestow upon me home cinema viewing pleasure.

I deserve this in return for the love and joy I give you daily (except weekends and RDOs or when the internet is down).

But seriously, please come. Otherwise I will have low self esteem.

Failure in Google

2006-08-24T23:04:00.000-07:00

A work friend (big ups to Deb) sent me the instructions for an amusing exercise.
Do as follows ASAP!
1. Go to www.Google.com
2. Type in Failure
3. Look at the first listing and laugh at what comes up first.
4. Tell other people before the people at Google fix it.

Big ups to my homies

2006-08-24T22:16:00.000-07:00

This is the post where I plug the blogs of some folks who have been kind to me.

Firstly, there’s Ray Hickson’s blog at http://onerayhill.blogspot.com/. This guy knows about movies. I mean, I know about movies, but this guy KNOWS about movies – and I don’t often use capital letters for entire words.

Check out Craig Schwarze’s blog at http://creative2567.blogspot.com/. I actually don’t like this blog because it is too intelligent and deals with things that matter – and it also deals with Craig’s life. Also, it makes my blog look dumb by comparison … okay, so you don’t actually need Craig Schwarze’s blog to make mine look dumb, but y'know…

David Miers’ blog at http://eternalweightofglory.blogspot.com/. It’s the only way you can look at photos of the naked male form at work without getting fired… take advantage before the senate passes a law change.

Lastly and leastly, Russ’ blog at http://tiltboy.blogspot.com/. Okay, so I haven’t actually been to this one, but I have heard it contains a link to the crazy frog singing all kinds of classic hits from ‘Groove is in the Heart’ by Dee-Lite to ‘The Living Years’ by Mike and the Mechanics... take advantage before the senate passes a law change.

Big ups to these lads for maintaining the internet’s reputation for containing web pages of varying quality.

Egg on my face, by which I mean car

2006-08-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

So I was driving to work this morning and running a little late after a chat with the rector of the church I go to in Brighton.

And so I am driving along the Eastern Distributor going north past Moore Park.

There was a loud bang and then suddenly my vision was obscured as my windshield was covered in a white syrupy substance. As a million things flew through my mind, I quickly realised that my car had been egged.

After the few seconds it took to come to grips with what had happened, I wound up my drivers’ side window which had been open, then used the windshield wipers spray function to clean the windshield.

I don’t think the lady driving behind appreciated the mixture of egg and soapy water spraying onto her windshield from my car (which happens when you’re going at 70 kilometres per hour) but I had to clean the mess for my own safety.

Well, there are still bits of egg that the wipers couldn’t reach, and there are huge white streaks on the driver’s side window and the doors, as the speed of the car forced the egg white to run horizontally across the car.

There is no over pass near there, so I don’t think the egg came from above.

I am just thankful that the egg hit the front and didn’t come through the open side window. I am also thankful that it wasn’t a rock.

I’m assuming it was some kids who were driving in the opposite direction that egged my car. Perhaps it was the last day of their HSC trials or something.

I do have two other conspiracy theories however.

One: a chicken managed to fly reasonably high in the air and laid an egg onto my car from above.

Two: terrorists. Probably middle eastern. Although, why they would attack a brutha like me, I don’t know … I’m just keeping it real, is all …

As Busta Rhymes said back in 2002, “It ain’t safe no more!”.

----

J Smiddy’s final thought: I was meeting with my minister, talking about church things and Christian things, which was what caused me to be late and because I was late I was driving at that spot at exactly the time that some kids chose to egg a car. Perhaps they were looking out for a blue Mazda 3, or perhaps the Lord works in mysterious ways and he was trying to tell me something about the importance of punctuality.

Please send in your comments and help me sort this one out … that includes you, you dirty lurkers!

The honest and humble anatomy of Shakira (s)

2006-08-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

(s) sexual references

Colombian singing sensation Shakira has hit number one in the charts again with the song ‘Hips Don’t Lie’ featuring former Fugees member Wyclef Jean.

I am interested in Shakira’s obsession with singing about the personality traits of the different part of her body.

I mean ‘my hips don’t lie’? I didn’t realise that hips had the ability to be deceitful. Are there people out there asking questions to other people’s hips and receiving evasive or dishonest answers? Why does Shakira feel the need to promote the honesty and truthfulness of her own hips? Methinks the lady doth protest too much. What sort of questions would people be asking hips anyway that you couldn’t just ask someone to their face? I guess they would mostly be questions about underwear or doing ‘the bump’ disco move. I wonder if the way to scare a hip into being honest is by threatening it with a hip replacement.

Anyways, on this theme of Shakira’s obsession with singing about the personality traits of the different part of her body, you might recall that when Shakira released her first hit single, Whenever, Wherever back in 2002, the song had the famous lyrics ‘lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don’t confuse them with mountains’.

At the time the song was released I was an immature university student and not the incredibly mature (and physically very muscular) writer I am today. I was writing for a satirical newsletter NUTS: News of University of Technology Sydney and so I wrote an article that referred to the befuddling lyrics of the song.

I have included it here in its entirety for your own retro reading pleasure. Hope you enjoy.

(Originally published in NUTS issue 6, March 2002.)

“Jen’s breasts are large and arrogant,” says Shakira

by Ebeneza Scroode (my clever pseudonym, or nom de plume, as the Frenchies say…)

Latino singing sensation, Shakira, has accused Jennifer Love Hewitt’s breasts of being large and arrogant, our sources have been told.

Shakira, in her song Whenever, Wherever, claims that she is lucky that her “breasts are small and humble, so you don’t confuse them with mountains”.

By contrast, Shakira regards Jennifer Love Hewitt’s breasts as boastful, arrogant, and easily confused with mountains.

“Jennifer Love Hewitt’s breasts appear everywhere,” said a clearly jealous Shakira, “Party of Five, Neutrogena ads, film premieres, and Enrique Iglesias music clips. They are blatantly self-promotional. They are also so large that I often confuse them with mountains.”

World-class mountain climber, Lars Hennig, has backed up Shakira’s claim that Jennifer Love Hewitt’s breasts are easily confused with mountains. “One time I was climbing a very high mountain – I thought I was in the Swiss Alps. Then I grabbed a fistful of firm breast tissue and nipple and I realised I was in fact climbing one of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s mammaries.”

END

Boy, that article was gold!
When did I lose the magic?

The winter of my discontent

2006-08-22T22:48:00.000-07:00

I’m really enjoying the return of the warm weather.

I found this winter soooo tough to get through.

At home I have regularly been clothed in a singlet, a t-shirt, a long sleeve shirt, three jumpers and two jackets. That’s eight layers. I wear this when I go to sleep too. Plus I have a sheet, two blankets and a quilt. A pair of sox is regular home attire. A beanie on my head has also been standard attire this winter – a first for me.

Oh, and yes, I am wearing pants and underpants too for the funny person who was about to suggest otherwise. But two layers down there are sufficient.

I don’t know why I have been getting so cold this winter compared to previous winters, though I would like to suggest three possibilities.

1. It’s getting colder than previous years. People are using aerosols less, the hole in the ozone layer is shrinking and it’s getting colder again.

2. I have been losing body weight (muscle mass being replaced with fat, sadly) so maybe my ‘natural’ insulation has decreased.

3. I have also been losing hair, and apparently 90 per cent of body heat escapes from the top of the head. Hey, that might explain my unprecedented need for the beanie.

On the topic of escaping body heat, I once heard that the other 10 per cent escapes from the feet. I can testify to this, because I find that covering my head and my feet generally warm me right up.

However, when I once shared this fact about the percentages of escaping body heat, a person said to me ‘So Joe, are you saying that if you go skiing in the snow, naked, just wearing skis, a beanie and boots, you won’t get cold?’

I don’t know, really. I’ve never been skiing. But I would certainly want to use the cold as an excuse for things not appearing as large as they should be … any excuse …

I got to say, the week in Vegas was sweet respite from the brutal Sydney cold.

I think Russ found the heat annoying and difficult to tolerate - but in his defence, he's a pasty white boy. Personally, I didn’t mind it. I think the Egyptian in me (by which I mean my Egyptian ethnicity, as opposed to me having devoured an Egyptian) appreciates the warmer climates.

I also appreciated the ‘Luxor’ casino in Vegas with its tasteful copies of Egyptian landmarks like the Sphinx, the Pyramids and the one poker machine per every grain of sand in Egypt.

Who said talking about the weather is boring?

Anyway, I sphinx I have said enough for one afternoon.

Put your hands where my eyes could see

2006-08-21T16:31:00.000-07:00

Hello all two of you,

I was planning to begin writing about aspects of my Vegas trip this morning as I promised yesterday, however, as many girls would know, promises mean nothing to me… okay, a few girls… okay, one girl… okay, I read about this in TIME magazine… okay, it was Dolly, but I was at the hairdressers… okay, I bought the copy of Dolly… by which I mean I subscribe monthly but only for the free handbag and lip gloss…

But what happened was soon as I logged onto my computer and MSN signed in, the top story on ‘MSN Today’ was this:

‘Busta Rhymes arrested for assault’

Now for those who don’t know who Busta Rhymes is, firstly, SHAME ON YOU!

Learn more about Busta.

For those too busy to follow a link, he is a rap singer, who has also done a bit of acting in movies like the ‘Shaft’ remake and one of the ‘Halloweens’. But he is first and foremost a rap singer whose music I have been getting into the last few months.

His latest album, ‘The Big Bang’, produced by Dr Dre (of NWA fame – also works with Snoop Dogg and Eminem) is really, really good and has been the most spun disc in my car in recent times. It’s got hot tracks like ‘Touch It’, ‘I Love My Chick’, and ‘In the Ghetto’, which features the late Rick James (the guy who sung ‘Superfreak’ which is sampled in ‘You Can’t Touch This’ by MC Hammer). Busta has also had other classics you might know like ‘Woo Hah – Got Ya All in Check’, ‘Gimme Some More’ and ‘Turn It Up’.

Well, it certainly piqued my interest to see that he had been arrested. Especially since he is also a brother, both in culture and in name.

“Rhymes, whose real name is Trevor Smith, was arrested on Saturday on suspicion of kicking Roberto Lebron repeatedly in the head and body on Aug. 12, sending Lebron to the hospital with cuts and bruises, according to the criminal complaint against Rhymes.”

For those who have not read the link above, this is not the first time Busta has been surrounded by controversy.

“In February New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly criticized Rhymes, 34, for refusing to talk to authorities about the circumstances surrounding the murder of his bodyguard.

Israel Ramirez, 29, was shot and killed on Feb. 5 outside a Brooklyn warehouse where Rhymes was filming a music video.”

It’s interesting when rap stars get involved in real life crime, because it is often a case of life imitating art. Busta’s music, like a lot of notorious rappers, has some violent lyrics. When any of these rappers are involved in real life violence, it seems to add ‘cred’ to their persona and to the material in their songs. Of course, it can be hard to pursue a career when you’re dead or in jail – unless you're Tupac Shakur, in which case it seems to help output and boost sales.

Talking about Tupac, Tupac truly lived the ‘Thug Life’. A lot of his songs were about his own death, so when he got shot it made him seem prophetic. Obviously he wasn’t.

However, I saw a funny sketch on ‘Chappelle's Show’ DVD I was watching this morning:
(yes, a little something I picked up from Vegas – there’s the reference) and there is a sketch with Dave dancing in a club and a guy puts on a song by ‘the late, great Tupac’ who died back in 1996. Anyway, the song is full of references to George W Bush just winning the election despite not getting more votes and to other topical events from post-2000. Everyone in the club is stunned every time they hear one of Tupac’s prophetic lyrics, but then Tupac assures the people listening that he died in 1996 – but then he goes on to make more ‘prohphetic’ statements.

Clearly, Tupac lives! He is sharing a flat with Elvis Presley and Adolf Hitler in Newtown.

If you are interested in reading about other rap stars who have been involved in crime read up on P Diddy, Notorious BIG and R Kelly. R Kelly’s crime is kind of funny by comparison, but I’ll let you research that yourself.

Anyway, buy a copy of ‘The Big Bang’ by Busta Rhymes. It’s a really good CD and if we buy enough copies, it will help raise money for the next time Busta Rhymes pistol whips some cracker-ass cop or smacks a disrespecting ho in the chops.

Tomorrow: A reflection on Dave Chappelle’s use of humour to shed light on the issue of race or R Kelly’s brief foray into Christianity. I’m not sure which yet. Cast a vote either way and it might sway me.

Be more unstupid

2006-08-20T18:43:00.000-07:00

Hi my avid blog readers.

After something like eleven weeks of not blogging I have decided to stop the rot and recommence blogging on the web blog that critics are calling ‘confusing’, ‘derivative’, ‘narcissistically self-referential’ and ‘I gave you my credit card details so where’s the nudes?’.

Actually, ‘critics’ isn’t strictly true. It’s only one critic. And I really wish my mother would stop saying things like that to me ‘cos it’s discouraging and makes me less inclined to want to blog.

Luckily for youse all, I am choosing to ignore her – maintaining my 25 year record – and am blogging anyway.

As some of you might know, I missed work the past 2 months – though I wouldn’t exactly say I ‘missed’ it – heh heh heh! Mmm...

GOLD!

Haven’t lost it, have I?

Yeah, so I had two months off, right. My main aim was to get a lot of writing done (unlike when I’m at work … please don’t tell any of my four bosses that …). And anyway, I planned to do creative writing. Instead I watched a lot of dvds, read a lot of comics, watched a lot of videos, did a bit of writing, jogged for three weeks (not straight, obviously … I had to turn when I reached a street corner …) ummm, watched a lot of dvds, fell into a self-obsessed spiral of guilt, anxiety and depression about not doing more creative writing, read a couple of good Christian books (‘Purpose Driven Life’ is genius – a must read!) watched a lot of videos and made a short film.

I also went to Las Vegas to play cheer girl to poker master Russ Davies as he played in the world’s biggest poker event – the World Series of Poker Main Event at the Rio Casino. I don’t want to exaggerate, but he made more money in 4 (albeit long) days of play then I will ever make even if I was to live 147.

Russ has asked me to blog details of the Vegas trip over the coming weeks. He has also asked me to make him look good. So, I will repent now for the lies I am about to write. If you want the real story of what happened in Vegas go to www.vegastripxxx-nopantsrussd.blogspot.com. But you must be 18.

Well, it’s good to be back. I feel like P Diddy who has just come back with his first album in five years. And I – J Smiddy – just like P Diddy, I am sure will be met with the same response: ‘I liked his old stuff better – and even that wasn’t really very good'.

"All my friends are Indians! All my friends are brown and red."

2006-06-01T23:56:00.000-07:00

'You make me sick, I make music' was the name of the publishing company that Soundgarden used when writing their songs. When Chris Cornell went solo for a bit before joining Audioslave, his song publishing company was 'In one ear, out your mother'.
Clearly a funny guy with a love for language.

Joedonna’s Erratica

2006-06-01T18:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, first, picture me singing.
“Erratic, erratic, put your eyes all over my bloggy.
Erratic, erratic, put your eyes all over my bloggy.”

If it helps, picture me in leathers, fishnets and a mask while singing this.
If it doesn’t help… don’t.

See, I will be off work for the next nine weeks.
Count ‘em, nine.

I’m gonna try and find myself during this time.
I think I might have fallen behind one of the sofa cushions at home.
We shall see.

Anyways, since I won’t be in front of a computer with speedy internet from Monday to Friday like I am when I am at work, my blogging will be very ERRATIC!

See, now do you get the joke?
I was doing a witty parody of a Madonna song earlier… ‘Material Girl’ obviously.

But seriously, I could have also quoted ‘Holiday’ by Madonna, since that is where I will be – on holidays.

I could have also quoted ‘Don’t Tell Me’, because I plan to spend a significant portion of my time off in a cowboy outfit, kicking dirt.

When will my next post come?
Expect it when you least expect it!

You make me sick, I make music

2006-05-31T18:04:00.000-07:00

I was not at work yesterday. I was home … sick.

Tuesday, I was quite busy, Monday was a rostered day off and Saturdays and Sundays are blog-free days for me.

So, I apologise for those who have been anxiously awaiting another post.

I have nothing to post up now, but maybe later today I will.

I am sorry that my blog just got lame.

Some might say it ‘Jumped the Shark’.

PS. There is a no-prize for whoever can tell me the origin my latest blog post title.

First votes are in!

2006-05-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

The votes have just been pouring in. I am knee deep in them!: Here is the first vote cast.; It's from my good friend (by which I mean I pay him money to be my friend and he doesn't let people know about our arrangement) Howard Shih:

Anonymous said...

Wow Joe, it's really hard to pick 3 (or 5) favourites from 17 posts, but I managed to do it.

My 5 favourites in descending order are as follows:

1. Hi all

2. TGIF

3. Apostate

4. Of for f...

5. True facts

8:52 PM

Anonymous said...

By the way the previous anonymous was me.

8:53 PM

Anonymous said...

And I am Howard

8:53 PM

Best of Blog

2006-05-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

I think you would have to agree that it’s been a pretty, pretty, pretty good blog that I have had going the past 11 days.

It has received record numbers of hits (1 hit every two days is a record … for me), it has been the topic of many conversations all over Sydney (I have been taking the time to travel around Sydney and start conversations with people about my blog) and it has changed lives (as in people have had to stop doing something else more important in their day to take the time to read my blog).

Therefore, as a way of celebrating and commemorating 11 days of blogging good times, rather than the usual daily dose of good humour mixed with profound insights, I will be recapping some of the best moments from the J Smiddy blog.

It will be clips show or ‘best of’, if you will.

However, because I am a man of the people, I want you, the readers, to submit your three favourite posts that you have read on this blog. Yes, that’s right – only three. I know it will be hard to narrow it down, but try. Please. (Okay, maximum five favourite.)

Over the weekend I will tabulate the results, then on Monday I will repost the 10 most popular posts as voted by you, the readers.

So, much like the Synod of the Anglican Church in Sydney … vote early and vote often.

Thanks.

Your ‘pal’,

Joseph

TGIT

2006-05-24T22:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, one day ‘til Friday.

So, the paper known as Southern Cross has gone out.

This frees me up to work on more important project like my novel, my rap collaboration with Busta Ryhmes and J-Lo (Pharrell of the Neptunes is attached to produce) and my new workout plan so I can compete in the 5000 meter jog at the next Summer Olympics.

I just finished watching the show Huff. Be smart and watch it at midnight on channel 7 every Monday, or be even smarter and buy it on DVD for just 40 bucks.

You will thank me.

X Men

2006-05-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

There is a little advertisement at the bottom of my MSN menu advertising the film X Men: The Last Stand.

Apparently it’s only 8 hours, 10 minutes and 48 seconds … 40 seconds … 32 seconds …24 seconds until it’s in cinemas.

Despite being a big comic book fan in my younger days, I have not seen the first two X Men films and I am not particularly excited about this one.

That said, I am impressed that Hollywood is willing to put so much money toward the production and advertising budgets for a film about post-op transsexuals.

Very brave step, Hollywood.

Kudos.

Apostate

2006-05-22T03:44:00.000-07:00

I just read that Alfred Molina was also in 'Luther' so I am renouncing my heathenism and becoming a Christian again.

At least I have some new material for my testimony.

True Facts

2006-05-22T03:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I saw The Da Vinci Code with the Anglican Media crew today. The CEO kindly provided us with the full Gold Class experience at the Macquarie Centre Greater Union (though the money probably came out of my raise which I will now never get so …)

Anyway, after watching the Da Vinci Code I am giving away my Christian faith because of the overwhelmingly convincing evidence.

If the guy that made it with a hot mermaid is convinced by these new true facts about the church lying to us and covering up mysteries about Jesus, then I am sold.

Incidentally, Alfred Molina has gotten pretty fat since ‘Boogie Nights’.

Anyway, the pieces of fish I ordered were empty pieces of batter! What a gip!

Also, I saw an add for ‘Click’ a new Adam Sandler movie. It looked funny, but probably won’t be as good as the book, either.

TGIF

2006-05-18T23:20:00.000-07:00

That's right.
It's Friday. Finally!
You know what that means ... only three days to wait 'til Monday.

Oh for f...

2006-05-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

I just discovered this in the comments section for my last post.
Thanks again, Russ.
Happy 30th!

russ said...
Hey Joe, it's "intended" not "inteneded".

To quote David Brent ...

Many layers of irony

2006-05-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

In my previous column, a few bits were inteneded to be ironic, like the bit that Russ Davies points out below. (See, cos I'm a journalist and I am saying "don't trust anything journalists write" - how clever and ironic of me???) Other bits were thrust (trust, rust, thRussed?) upon me by my own lack of proof reading. Read below.

Russell Davies emailed me saying:

nice work.. You might want to fix;

'Stupid journalists. Can't rust anything they write!'

s/rust/trust/. Unless you really meant rust, which is also true..

r.

How ironic. You really can't trust anything I write - cos it could be spelt incorrectly and have a totally different meaning!

Thanks Russ.
Keep up the good work.
Seriously.
I do need help.

Mundine is THE MAN (and my tirade on Australian culture)

2006-05-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

A friend and I went to the Intersection in Sans Souci to watch the Mundine vs Green fight on the big screen.

My friend was very pro-Mundine as he was sick of the negative media coverage and general negative public response towards ‘the Man’ in recent time (actually, it’s been going for a long time). He felt he was supporting the underdog.

Being a self-loathing St George Dragons fan, I was keen to see Mundine win too. After initially disliking Mundine after he left the club some years ago, I read his biography in 2002 (when he was just starting out his boxing career) and despite not really warming to his pride (arrogance, at times) I could see where he was coming from.

Anyway, those at the pub (many of whom would have been St George Dragons fans) seemed to fairly even in their support before the fight. Though I felt the boos for Mundine were louder than the boos for Green.

Anyway, as the fight progressed and Mundine increasingly dominated, he appeared to win over the respect of the crowd with his superior boxing.

Mundine won on points after the full 12 rounds.

I was impressed with the sportsmanship that both men showed towards one another at the conclusion of the fight.

It made me think the media was a far greater contributor to the ‘rivalry’ than the two boxers actually were.

Stupid journalists. Can’t rust anything they write!

It was a good night.

On ‘Sunrise’ this morning all four hosts/newsreaders weighed in with their personal opinions on Mundine. They appeared to grudgingly give him respect for winning the fight, but focussed more on the statement Anthony Mundine’s dad, Tony, made yesterday about the fight being about race and black versus white. They rubbished him for that. They also rubbished Mundine’s outspoken/arrogant attitude and ‘Kochie’ said something like, “Australians don’t like that from someone whether they’re black or white.” Mmm.

‘Yeah, like I don’t know if racism even exists anymore’.

No one said that, but that’s what they sounded like. I think some people watching the fight definitely wanted to see some black blood. It’s that Aussie tall poppy syndrome. If someone talks boldly we hate it, then even if they deliver they still cop a serve.

It seems we love weak, insecure idiots. We would rather vote for a Prime Minister who blindly follows George W. Bush (enough of you all voted for him, apparently) then laughs good-naturedly when Dubya takes the mickey out of him and bags him out for his baldness. (This was on the news yesterday.)

What a goose!

I think Lleyton Hewitt receives similar treatment to Mundine.

By the way. I hate the show ‘Sunrise’. I don’t think reporters should be giving their opinion like that all the time, especially when they are meant to be delivering the news unbiasedly.

Another friend of mine who was actually at the fight (LUCKY) said he saw some celebrities.

“Wendel was there at the cocaine stands, as was Eddie McGuire and some bikies.”

Heh heh! Just to cover myself legally, I don’t think that was true.

I think they were amphetamine stands.

More playa hatin

2006-05-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

Another msn conversation.
This is courtesy of Paul Hanna.
A small insecure man.
He won't mind me saying that.

mi nombre es paul says:
quote this on your blog:
mi nombre es paul says:
"Joes blog is the worst piece of space on the World Wide Web ever"
Joseph says:
that's it! that's going up!
mi nombre es paul says:
you love it you slag
mi nombre es paul says:
I can see you doing it

Does anyone get the feeling people don't respect me?

Debbie Does it again

2006-05-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

What can I say...? It saddens me. It just saddens me to see this kind of repeated playa-hating from one negative individual.
Read for yourself this msn conversation:

dwebness says:

so you've doubled your readership now?

dwebness says:

2ppl - you and me

dwebness says:

:-)

Joseph says:

thats it!

Joseph says:

this is going on my blog smarty mouth!

dwebness says:

another illegally posted msn conversation?

dwebness says:

you better have a good lawyer

Joseph says:

i've watched a lot of Harvey Birdman lately ... i think i know how to defend myself

dwebness says:

lol

I think the evidence speaks for itself.
You decide.

Day Two

2006-05-16T17:57:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

Welcome to the second inaugural day of the J Smiddy Blog.
Yesterday saw some tumultuous times.
There was the illegally posted msn conversation between me and Luke Stevens (I can’t say anymore than that – court case pending).
There was Deb’s repeated use of the word ‘sex’. Well, she actually only said it once, but I repeated it.
Then there was the big orange dinosaur that almost took my life on the way home from work.
Luckily I was carrying my repellent. (okay, so I just farted several times…whatever…)

I hope today brings better things.
We shall see.
That second last line rhymed.
Impressive.

The Electric Company

2006-05-15T21:54:00.000-07:00

'Family Guy' is a show that makes me laugh.
Two recent episodes contained references to that old show 'The Electric Company'.
Check out these links for the videos.
http://www.milkandcookies.com/article/3164/
http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/35688/details/
Anybody remember the show (the 'Electric Company', not 'Family Guy')?

Popularity = Filth

2006-05-15T19:43:00.000-07:00

It had to happen.
As my blog increases exponentially in its popularity and the people take ownership of it - such is the power of internet - it was only a matter of time before someone came along and posted something crude.
Cover your eyes for the next bit.
I'm sorry to say, but the word 'sex' has finally been used in my blog. Or more specifically, in the 'Comments' section for one of my posts.

"Can you feel the electricity?"

1 Comment -Show Original Post

Anonymous said...

don't show us pictures of fictional cats covered in your breakfast. Why don't you post up pictures that you're proud of, like from your centrefold shoot on the Good Sex couch

7:22 PM

Thanks, Deb. Very brave of you to post this anonymously and bring down the tone of my blog.

Can you feel the electricity?

2006-05-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

The buzz surrounding my new blog is electrifying.
Just check out this msn conversation between me and a young and up and coming web designer struggling to find his place in the world.
Please note: I have published this conversation without his permission. So don't tell him. Our little secret.

Joseph says:
http://www.jsmiddy.blogspot.com/
luketron says:
hahah u have blog!
Joseph says:
yup!
Joseph says:
it's a tour de force!
Joseph says:
or maybe i mean 'tour de france', i am not sure
Joseph says:
whichever sounds better.
luketron says:
will you be dishing the dirt on your personal relationships, employer, and anyone you come in contact with?
Joseph says:
yes, isn't that one of the stipulations of having a blog?
luketron says:
indeed, that and posting pictures of your cat and/or what you had for breakfast

Coming soon: a picture of my fictional cat covered in scrambled eggs and orange juice

FAQ

2006-05-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

Many people have been asking me 'Hey Joe? Why be your blog be called Jsmiddy?' After informing them of their terrible grammar, I tell these people, 'Well, P Diddy is undoubtedly one of the greatest artists of our time. He also made it with J Lo. So, in the hope of emulating either of those great feats I have taken my rather drab and Mormon sounding name and made it fresh, hip and cool for the Pepsi generation. Hence, J Smiddy.'

At this point the people usually walk away laughing behind their hands. I don't let this affect me.

Hi all

2006-05-15T17:13:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog!